My Allusion Punks My Illusion

Last night was Wine Wednesday with the Social Club out on the terrace at Bookwalter Winery . Great weather, great setting, great music.

My Allusion is the Social Director of the Social Club.

My Allusion to me: “You should go talk to that couple.”
Me: “I can’t. She hates me.”
My Allusion: “Wha?”
Me: “She hates me cuz she knows her guy wants me real bad.”
My Allusion: “No he doesn’t!”
Me: “In my head he does!”
As I walked down to the other end of the table I mumbled: “Sheesh… way to step on a girl’s imaginary life…” and spent a good part of the evening talking to a really nice couple who are not threatened by me in any way whatsoever.

Social Club on the Terrace at Bookwalter Winery

The Game of Life and How to Play It

My very first shrink explained to me that we are only depressed when we’re in our minds thinking about stuff. “When you’re absorbed in a movie,” she said, “you’re not feeling depressed.”

So I’ve understood for twenty-some-odd years that the secret is getting out of your mind and into the moment.

Time Out #1
Tonight I went to the movie Julie & Julia with my Sis and her BFF. And for two hours in the dark of the theater, I was just me.

Time Out #2
My boyfriend Shelby doesn’t like PDA’s and will only allow me to pet him when we’re alone in the car. When I pulled up home from the movie, he jumped right in. And for a little while, in the dark of the car, I allowed myself to be in moment with my cat. And both of us were purring.

Whistle Blows
But now you have used up your timeouts for the evening Miss Jennifer. Thanks for playing and Game On.

Depression is using the full court press….
(“The Game of Life and How to Play It” is a book I used to own by Florence Scovel Shinn. Clearly didn’t work for me. Sold it at a garage sale.)

“Any of you guys call me Francis, and I’ll kill you.” – Psycho from the movie Stripes

(Subversive Love. Giving voice to those among us who struggle with depression since 2009.)

O Holiest Monday. Thank you for gracing me with your presence today.  Thank you for reminding me that I have another week to not meet any of my obligations. That starting on this most bless-ed of days, I will again not get my work done, not get my house clean, not get my yard work done and will continue to abuse my body with bad food and lack of exercise.  The Rainbows-Coming-Out-Their-Ass People love you but I hate you almost as much as I hate myself. Amen and God bless the great state of Washington.

(Please, friends, no need to reply.  This is typical stuff for some of us we’re just not allowed to say in polite company. You call me — I’ll kill ya.)

Myths for the Masses: Movie Love

2009-08-01

What is it with us girls that makes us long for the Movie Love? (Or is it just me? Leave comments below.)

I’m perfectly happy being single and my brain knows perfectly well there is no such thing, but when I’m in the dark of the theater I want the Movie Love so bad it hurts.

Please tell me where the switch is so I can turn it off already. I’m 45 for chrissakes…too old to be weeping over Sandra Bullock & Ryan Reynolds.

Friday Night 07/31/2009

Dance club is well staffed with orange shirt wearing security personnel.

First bouncer uses a fancy hand-held gadget to check our drivers licences.

Second bouncer is in charge of ink pad and rubber stamp.

As I approach he is stating loudly “I need a machine. I need a machine.”

Under my breath I say “I need a machine too.”

“The kind that runs on batteries?” he asks.

I look up and we lock gazes.

“Yes….”

He begins solemnly shaking his head no.

“Or plugs into the wall,” I say, “whatever it takes.”

He continues to shake no….

“Hey, a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do,” I protest.

“What you need,” he says, “is a six hour session with Mike.”

“Oh really?” Pause. “Are you Mike?”

He begins to solemnly nod yes.

It’s Never An Easy Decision

2009-04-07

Today I smelled Spring which for me smells like Flowering Plum trees. Growing up we had one in the front yard and it smelled sweet in the Spring and wreaked havoc in the fall — plums falling to the sidewalk — smashed under sneakers and bikes and Hot Wheels.  That tree survived a severe amputation at about the age of 18 when my brother, mowing the lawn, bonked his head then in a fit of rage cut off the offending limb.  But it didn’t survive a strong wind at about the age of 37.  It was a sad day when we had to clean away the debris but we didn’t want to forget, so the stump is still there — in the middle of the yard — respectfully circumvented by the lawn mower.

Don’t we all smell sweet sometimes and make messes at others?  And when your significant other is dropping plums all over your shared life, do you wait for another spring?  Or uproot?

It’s never an easy decision.

Typical Tuesday

What a funny little life.

• Boy Toy didn’t text me.
• Coffee Quickie with married guy friend.
• Crazy busy helping my virtual work mates.
• Talked to BFF a couple times who is moving back to town.
• Sifted thru stack of greeting cards from ex.
• Cried.
• Washed down the counter cuz tomorrow housekeeper is coming.
• Counter is dirty cuz nephew lives with me.
• When washing the counter, leave the microwave pulled out so cats can use as step.
• Logged on to goddamn facebook.

Boy Toy Rendezvous

It was Thursday the 19th and I was sipping a glass of white wine in the hotel lounge waiting for my 11pm rendezvous.

I’d done my hair & makeup, dusted off the push up bra, and buckled on my sexy red shoes but I still wasn’t feeling right. I was nervous … anxious … beside myself.

Then it was time and there he was.  And it turned out I didn’t need red shoes after all.  All I needed was some conversation, some laughter, and some cologne that smells like summer.  He brought me back into myself.

And then he brought me all the way home.

Boy Toy

I’ve lost My Toy.

My Toy was remotely located and started sending me instant messages one day. At first I didn’t know what to do with the messages but they kept coming and were funny and asked me about myself…. which made me feel happy and flattered.

So I played. I messaged back.

After about a week I realized I was looking forward to coming to work. After another week I realized my whole life seemed…. shinier.

But now I think I broke it.

It’s been several days now with no messages. I miss My Toy. And now that it’s gone my life seems so…. ordinary.

Siesta Key

Today is Saturday, Jan 3.
…..

Usually on business trips I spend days working with lots of different people and then, drained, spend my evenings in my hotel room, recharging.

Last month in Orlando, I forced myself to take an evening and drive to the coast. Siesta Key beach was glorious.